I remember the long nights where we would just talk about whatever. Still I look back and I just remember the good parts. I’m not too fond of how I am now, but at least it’s an improvement. I want to go back to the way I was, but I don’t like the way I was. I’ve been extremely guilty of wanting things to go back to the way they were. Seeing as I’ve spent the past couple of months pretty obsessed with the past. I never remember how things really happen Sometimes I feel like I just wanna go back to my old ways The lyrics I keep hearing over and over and each verse I go “yes that’s how I’m feeling right now. I can already see myself holding onto the meaning of the song more than the actual song itself. The current song I’m obsessed with by the way is Flamin Hot Cheetos by Clairo. I just hate that I do it so often and that I remember most of them and what associations I have with them. Either it’s because I looked too into the lyrics and related it to something I was going through at the time, because I watched/listened to it during a rough time, or I see myself in the main character and saying hey this is one of my favorite movies is one of my last ditch efforts of showing people who I am… Whatever that reason is there’s some sort of association I have attributed to that. So when I can’t quite get out the words or even understand what it is that I’m feeling, I resort to expressing myself through the music, books, or movies that I like because there’s often an important (to me at least) reason for me being so attached to these things. And even then its just my idea of what I think I’m feeling then and why I think I’m feeling it which is only right a portion of the time. I never really know how to express how I’m feeling partially because I’m just so anxious when it comes to talking but also probably because I never really understand what it is I’m going through until I’ve had some time to reflect or when I have to think it out to write in one of these blog posts. At least I’m not good with them when it comes to speaking. Whenever I hear a song when I’m feeling shitty or even a song that makes me feel even better when I’m already feeling pretty good that song sticks with me. Once again I’m obsessed with a certain song and I’ve been replaying it over and over again.
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